The Comedy of Madness
by Josie Okami
Summary: Rated R for language,innuendo, and drug use. What happens when hippies kidnap Jan, the Meat Fairy? Will Starfox and her sister Coalar save her before the whole world turns to vegetarianism? I don't even know. Find out. R
1. It Starts

Disclaimer: I do not own Starfox or any other copyrighted characters; however, I do own the Meat Fairy, the pile of rocks in the corner, the special effects, and any other characters who show up in this story. Thank you.  
  
Leigh Henna, "Sorry the chapter is so short. I will have more later, I promise. Anyway, I hope ya'll enjoy this; it's my first fanfic. R&R."  
  
Chapter 1: It Starts  
  
"Hey, Fox, come look at this," Peppy yelled to his captain while simultaneously turning up the volume on the TV. Fox just looked up from his game of pool, which was not more than twenty feet away, and sarcastically responded, "Thanks, Pep, I'm not sure I would have been able to hear that TV without you turning it up all the way." He then walked over to an available seat close to the set and lit himself a cigarette. "You shouldn't smoke those, they can kill you," Slippy quickly snapped. Just as Fox was about to retort with some smartass remark, the news came back on and the anchorman continued the story Peppy had alerted everyone to.  
"I'm now receiving more information about this crisis," said the newsman nervously," and the devastation is in fact worldwide, not just local." Fox was puzzled. What could be so terrible on a worldwide basis? "What's he talking about, guys? What's so devastating?". "Shut up and you'll find out, jackass!" Falco turned and snapped, then turned back to the TV set, just as the newsman continued. "Again, here is the note left by those responsible for this heinous crime." The camera then went in for a close up of a document, and everyone leaned in a little to figure out what it read.  
  
' To The President of Corneria; Three days ago, around 10:00 am, we have kidnapped someone very precious to you and all of Corneria. We do not want a ransom, and we will not negotiate her release. We just wanted to inform you so you would know your days of eating meat are done. The Meat Fairy is no longer around to provide the world with meat from the hides of poor, defenseless animals anymore, so we hope you like carrots.  
  
V.H.D. '  
"What?! This is all over some stupid made up creature called the Meat Fairy?!" Falco and Fox yelled in unison. "This is serious. Have you been to the grocery stores lately? There is no meat left. The Meat Fairy is real." Peppy explained, while noticing Slippy had gone somewhere while the program was on. "What does V.H.D. stand for anyway?" Falco inquired. Just as Fox and Peppy shrugged, Slippy re-entered the room with a piece of paper. "I noticed that too, and did some research. V.H.D. stands for 'Vegetarian Hippie Dumbasses'."  
The whole group had that lost look on their faces. After being in space for 3 years, the team sort of lost track of minor things like this on their home planet. So, Slippy began again," They are the elite amongst the environmentalists, like PETA and CLIT. They don't eat anything that casts a shadow, and I think they are responsible for a few cherry bombs found in the girls bathrooms at meat factories." Fox raised an eyebrow at this. "So, they're the elite of the elite, and the best they can do is cherry bombs in toilettes?" "Uhh...yeah, pretty much. Hence why they are called the Vegetarian Hippie Dumbasses." Slippy answered, saying the last word with a lot of emphasis. Fox just knocked him upside his fat head.  
Just as Slippy was about to attempt some Tae Queer Do, Gen. Pepper appeared on the com-link. "Starfox. You're needed for a special mission. And, as always, your regular fee has been approved, but you'll only be paid after the assignment is complete. Will you accept?" "What's the job?" Fox immediately asked after saluting the general. "You will have to travel to the polar ice caps, where our satellites have found evidence of the V.H.D. base of operations. We think the Meat Fairy, Jan, is there. Your job is to rescue her and destroy the base."  
"Sounds easy enough, but you can't mean to tell me you believe in this whole Meat Fairy thing too. It's so preposterous." Fox stated. "Well, ridiculous and preposterous as it sounds, your going to have to believe it for now," Pepper continued," and by the way, I know about what you and your female cohorts do on these missions, so try to keep it in your pants with this one. She is still a virgin, and has to stay like that for all time." "So then, how would she get any pleasure?" Slippy questioned. Pepper turned red, Peppy coughed, and Falco chuckled. Fox turned to him," You shithead, she would masturbate. You know, kind of like what I always catch you doing in your Arwing." Everyone just burst out laughing at that. Slippy ran like a little girl out of the room, crying loudly. "So," Pepper said between chuckles," do you accept the mission?" Fox looked around at his teammates, who had finally stopped laughing. 'Well, we do need the money', he thought to himself. He glanced at his year old porno's and answered, "How could I say no?" 


	2. Madness on a Scale of 1 to 10

Disclaimer: You already know. Coalar Lee Drake VII has agreed to a guest appearance, so I don't own her, either. Yet.  
  
Chapter 2: Madness on a Scale of 1 to 10  
  
Last time, on The Meat Fairy, we found out Peppy had an evil twin with an eye patch, Slippy was cutting himself because he would never go through puberty, Fox was in a coma with an erotic coma fantasy involving Krystal and some peanut butter crackers, and Jan was still in the clutches of the dastardly V.H.D. Will our heroes pull through their strange problems in enough time to save Jan? Let's find out.  
"What the hell was that?" Fox asked, after the mysterious announcer voice from nowhere stopped. "Oh, didn't you hear? Leigh Henna is now narrating the story for us. She said it was cheaper than paying a pro to come in and do it." Peppy explained, taking a sip of coffee. "Oh, I see. Does Leigh Henna always sound like a guy on steroids?" Fox had barely enough time to say before L.H. whacked him with a plunger. "Up yours, you bastard," she yelled as she threw a barrage of jelly donuts at him. "Umm, guys, we really should get on with the story." Falco reminded the two brawlers. "Fine," Leigh Henna sighed and continued with the story.  
Fox, (now with a black eye), was looking over the satellite photos of the base where Jan was held, taking in all the landscape features and possible escape routes when he heard a knock on the bridge door. "Go the hell away, jerk off!" The door opened regardless, and Coalar Lee Drake VII walked in slowly. Fox eyed her for a moment; he couldn't believe she had gotten more beautiful since he had last seen her a year ago. "Holy crap on a crap cracker. You are even sexier then I remember." She walked towards him, but tripped over a blow up doll (you know, the ones sold in sex shops), and fell flat on her face. "Ow, that frickin' hurt." Coalar shouted.  
The two ended up talking for a while, in which Fox found out that Jan was Coalar's half sister, and that she had played a small part in her capture. "I was drugged with some sort of ..truth serum shit. I couldn't stop myself; I told them where to find her, and that she had a soft spot for neo pets. It's all my fault!" Drake wailed into Fox's shoulder. "It is your fault, but ther....." Coalar cut him off," You insensitive ass wipe! You're not supposed to tell me it's my fault! You're supposed to tell me otherwise." "Well, did you really want me to lie?"  
At that moment, Peppy and Slippy walked in with more data and noticed that Coalar was choking their captain to death. "Think they need a minute alone?" Slippy asked. "Yeah, maybe another five minutes." Then both of them left the room while Fox was trying to yell (more like gasp) for help after them. "Hey, Coalar, use this. He is apparently vulnerable to its attack," Leigh Henna whispered, handing Coalar a plunger. "Don't mind if I do," She smiled maniacally, and then opened a whole six pack of whop ass on Fox. "Get 'er done." Leigh Henna said, faking a hick accent, while the vulpine screamed. "Aaaaaaaaagggggggghhhhhhhhh".  
Meanwhile, on the other side of the Great Fox, Peppy, Slippy, and Falco are punching in the co-ordinates for the V.H.D. base so that the ship's auto pilot will take them to the nearest docking bay. "Well, I have good news and bad news." Peppy said hesitantly over his shoulder. "The good news is, the nearest docking bay has a built in arcade and a popcorn maker." "Oooooooo", Slippy and Falco said at the same time, then fought each other for the jinx. "Oooohhh kkaaaayyyy.....the bad news is they don't have Final Fantasy 9 anymore." Slippy dropped to his knees, tilted his head back and wailed, " NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No Final Fantasy 9 make Slip go crazy!"  
Fox, (now with two black eyes and a bloody nose), staggered in. He was so punch-drunk that he thought Falco was a talking bag of gummy bears. "Agh, evil bag of gummy bear goodness!" He cried as he attempted to charge at the evil baggy entity, but missed by a good ten feet and ran straight into the fridge. Falco looked in the kitchen nonchalantly, and said, "Hey, Fox, while you're in there, get me a beer." A single can of beer roles out to Falco's feet. He picks it up and reads the label. "I didn't say light beer!" and threw the can at Fox's head.  
"Well, you don't see that everyday," Coalar said as she put a jacket on over her purple dress. "I've got to go, but give Fox this when he wakes up." She kissed Falco very sweetly. "I don't think so, you can ask Slippy to give it to him. We all know he wants to." "WHAT?!" "Oh, shut up, Slip, I've seen that poster of Fox you have in your room, and so has Peppy." Slippy turns to Peppy, who coughs innocently, then turns beet red and runs out of the room. "Any who, it's been real. Bye." Drake mentioned as she turned and left for the shuttle in the hanger.  
"I'd like to sink my teeth into her," Falco said, looking at her ass as she walked out. ", but she won't give me a passing glance." He was so frustrated at this. "All the Kama Sutra I learned, and I won't get a chance to use it on her sweet ass.." He barely finished the sentence when Leigh Henna came from nowhere and slammed his head with a frying pan. "OW! What is it with you and hitting people with household objects?" Falco cried in pain and anger. "You guys are so perverted, you can't even behave when I have a friend over!" Then she whacks him again on the other side of his face, knocking him unconscious.  
"Ooops. Uhh, can we keep going with two of the main characters unconscious?" Leigh Henna whispered to Peppy. "Not really, no," he replied. "Well, I guess we'll have to finish the chapter here, with Fox and Falco K.O.ed, Slippy crying in a fetal position in a corner somewhere, and you and I playing strip poker. Five card draw." She said as she dealt the cards, and picked up one of the drinks that had fallen from the fridge. 


	3. Cherry Pies and Jan

Disclaimer: You know it.  
  
Chapter 3: Cherry Pies and Jan  
  
Leigh Henna looked around as Falco finally came to, and Fox entered the room with an ice pack on his head. Slippy also walked in then, so she casually glanced at Peppy and said, " Well, now that they're all awake, I guess we'll have to finish this some other time." He was left wearing only his Donkey Kong boxers, while she had all her clothes on. Fox worked his way over to the couch and flopped down hard, moaning in pain. He now had two black eyes, a bloody nose, and a large lump on his head. Needless to say, he had one hell of a headache. "Falco, just so you know, you'll get yours, ass clown."  
Falco tried to laugh, but was also in too much pain. He just slumped in his chair, holding his head and wishing he were stoned. "We have 10 minutes to landing, captain," Peppy said, while rolling himself a blunt, "and I think I'm going to calm my nerves a bit." "Hey, you're going to let us hit that, right?" Fox and Falco asked at the same time. Peppy nodded his head. Slippy just looked on in disgust, "You know, that stuff is bad for you."  
So, for the next ten minutes, our heroes were getting high off their asses. Fox was so high, when he tried to bring the ship into the dock, he whammed into two other vessels and shot a laser at what he thought was a dancing tree. After pulling up into an available space, the team lumbered out and tried to remember why they had come.  
"I think this is where I sent the pizza guy," Peppy said, his eyes bloodshot. "No, we came here to make snow cones," Fox suggested as he started to scoop up snow from the ground and eat it, "Tastes like blueberry." Falco started scouting ahead when he thought he remembered something. "Hey, I remember!" he exclaimed," We came to get cherry pies from that factory over there." Falco pointed to a far off building almost half hidden by the snow. The others stumbled over to him, except Slippy, who had not gotten stoned, so he walked normal. "No, you idiots! We came to save the Meat Fairy, Jan," he shouted into the air. "Oh, yeah. We save her, then get the pies!" Fox concluded, "By the way, why is she so important to us?" "She is the one who provides meat for the whole world. So, if she dies, there goes our meat. We will become vegetarian hippie freaks unless we stop this now." Slippy summed up for the whole group. "What?" Falco chuckled, and then Fox, Peppy and him broke out in unprovoked laughter.

* * *

Meanwhile, Coalar was deep in the recesses of the base, trying to find her half-sister, Jan. She could faintly hear people talking as the walls echoed the slightest noise. "Where are you?" she said to herself. 'You still have my three neo pets and you owe me five bucks.' Just as she turned a corner, she ran into a guard. At first, they were both taken aback, but then Coalar jumped up and kicked him across the face. After she landed, she flipped over him and just as he turned, kneed him in the stomach. He doubled over, and she jammed her right elbow into his back, sending him onto the ground. "Huh, no challenge."  
Coalar looked up and saw a whole shit load of guards running towards her. "Damn it. This is going to slow me down a bit." Then she leapt into the air and prepared to do a spinning kick just as the horde reached her....

* * *

"So, the whole world could be in a marble, just like on Men In Black?" Falco asked Hyde, whom had started a bizarre conversation as they made their way to the base, still incredibly stoned. "Yep. Only the man doesn't want you to know that, man." Hyde responded. "Hey, wait a minute, how'd you get here from That 70's Show?" Fox inquired. "Plot hole, my man, plot hole. Well, I have to get back. We're about to shoot the 360 scene, you know, the ones where we're stoned like ya'll?" He then left with half a joint in his mouth and a big bag of chips in his left hand.  
Fox, Falco, and Peppy had decided to split a large cherry pie (they used a plot hole into Ed, Edd, and Eddy to get it) and were now within 50 yards of the V.H.D. base. Slippy, however, was bitching so much that Fox sent him back to the Great Fox to keep an eye on the enemy scanner. They had been walking for the better part of an hour, and the high was starting to wear off now (not much, though). They did have enough sense about them to check for guards and any outside security. And wouldn't you know it, there were motion sensor cameras with lasers, and two guards at the main entrance.  
The building was built from steel, and was about 60 yards by 80 yards (not very large so as to remain hidden), and had a few barrels by the said main entrance, which was large enough for a medium sized tank to pass through. It was pretty dark by then, and there were only a few lights on the outside of the base. The two guards were dressed in bellbottoms, tie-dye shirts, sandals, and some groovy shades, man. Instead of guns, they had picket signs that read, 'Make Love, Not War'.  
"Ok, so, what's the plan?" Falco asked their leader, who was now really interested in a snowflake he found. "Hey, what's your name? I'm going to call you Fluffy." Just then it melted. He dropped to his knees and sobbed, "NNNOOO! Why, Fluffy, Why?!" Falco cocked an eyebrow, and then turned his head to Peppy with a questioning look. Peppy shrugged. "Get up, fox, we have to...ummm....save Jam." Falco said, trying to pick up his captain from the cold ground. "You said Jam," Peppy pointed out to him. "Nuh- uh" Falco quipped, dropping Fox on his ass."Ow..." "Stop it now!!!" Leigh Henna yelled at Pep and Falco," You're ruining my fanfic."  
"Sorry, Leigh Henna," Peppy said slowly, lowering his head. "Humph," was all Falco had to say for his sorry ass.

* * *

"Well, well, finally awake, Ms. Drake. I was worried you would never come to." Coalar awoke to find herself tied to a chair in a small room, with one light swaying over her head. "What happened? Who are you? Where am I?" The silhouette of a man just advanced a step and said, "My, full of questions, aren't we? You will know all the answers in time." "Where is my sister?" "Who?" "Jan," She heard him chuckle in his throat, then guessed that he must have been smiling now. No answer came from him; in fact, the next sound he made was to call for some guards to take Coalar away. 'Too bad I couldn't see him,' she thought, ' it makes it harder for me to know whom I'm killing.'  
She was dragged down a long and dark hallway, on a very rough floor. The whole time she remembered how she was captured in the first place. After landing that first spinning kick, she had managed to avoid capture by a barrage of punches to their noses and stomachs. But then they put steamed broccoli in her face, and she passed out....  
Her thoughts were interrupted when she hit the hard floor of the cell where she would apparently be staying for awhile. "Oww......" "Enjoy your stay, man," one of the hippie freaks said as they left. ' Damn it, now how will I find Jan' she thought. Suddenely, she sensed an enormous amount of silliness behind her and turned to see a giant bean burrito. "Hi, Coalar!" rang the voice of Jan, the Meat Fairy. "JAN!!!" Coalar yelled in disbelief as she hugged her sister, then held out her hand," Where's the five bucks you owe me and my three neo pets?" "Uhhhh.....look over there," Jan tried to deceive her younger sister, then hid behind the oversized burrito.  
"Hey, can I have a bite of that burrito?" came a voice. "Gasp. Who said that?" Jan asked, looking around. "It's just Leigh Henna," her sister reminded her. "Oh, oh yeah. Hello, my peachy bundle of darkness, how are you?" Jan immediately questioned. "I can't complain. I'm writing my own fanfic now." "Really?" " Yeah, but it's useless, none of the characters will work with me," Leigh Henna sighed. "Can I be in it?" Jan asked next. "You are in it, right now." Jan looked around, and then took a big bite of her burrito.  
"Let me tell you something I learned these past few days," She said after she swallowed," life has no meaning or purpose, but it does have burritos."

* * *

"Ok. It's been an hour and we still don't have a plan." Peppy announced, after watching Fox attempt to bury Fluffy's remains, and Falco sing, "I'm a little teacup, short and stout..." Somehow, Fox had managed to get his whole uniform dyed black (don't ask, I don't even want to know) and was now playing Taps on an imaginary trumpet (Taps is that song you play at funerals). "Fluffy, I hardly knew ye." Falco was now standing in the snow, looking down into his pants. "Hey, look at this! I've got something growing out of me!"  
Peppy, being the most sober of the group, decided to go ahead. He calmly walked up to the entrance, eyeing the cameras that were watching his every move. "Can I help you, man?" one of the hippie guards asked. "Yeah, I don't know if my left hook is as good as my right hook," and with that he punched the hippie freak across ten feet of snow into the door of the main entrance. The next one came to attack, but Peppy was ready. When the guy was right in front of him, Peppy dropped to the ground, stuck out a leg and spun, tripping the man. Before he could hit the ground, Peppy took the same leg he used to trip him and kicked him high up into the air. The hippie went up about 50 feet before he fell back down into a snow bank. Just then, Peppy noticed a tiny red dot on his chest. He looked up to see that the cameras were locking on to him. As they were about to fire, he jumped to his right side, and then ran towards the wall.  
He ran right up the wall onto the first camera and disabled it by pulling on some wires, but they gave off a spark that caused his left arm to be set ablaze. Peppy immediately hurled himself from the camera and into the snow, which dowsed the flames that were licking his arm and shoulder. Peppy then noticed another red dot on his leg that moved up to his abdomen, then up to his head. He had hurt his leg from the fall, and knew he couldn't move in time. The doors to the entrance were open now, he noticed, had they been like that before?  
The camera stopped targeting him, as well. ' What the hell is going on?' he wondered to himself, but was interrupted by a strange voice. "Well done, Mr. Hare. You're very good. So, where is the rest of your team?" "Like I'd tell you, you disgusting.." Suddenly, he felt a gun pressed against his head, and decided it was in his best interests to stay quite for now. "Not going to talk, huh? Well, I can't have your friends come in here and mess things up for me," the man speaking remained in shadows throughout the conversation, all Peppy knew was that he sounded Australian," so, I need to know their whereabouts. Still not talking? Fine. Gentlemen, take him away and make him talk." 


	4. Stoned Starfox to the Rescue!

Author's note: Disclaimers all around! I had one review that made me decide to keep writing this fanfic. Thank you, you know who you are. Any way, sorry for the hiatus.

Jan: "Oh, that's ok, you know I can't stay mad at you when you have a delicious burrito in your hand."

Leigh Henna: "Get the hell away, you had yours, this is mine."

Jan: "Oh, come on, just a bite?"

Coalar: "She will never quit asking, you know that, right?"

Leigh Henna: "Augh! Don't sneak up on me like that!"

* * *

Chapter 4: Stoned Starfox to the Rescue!  
  
"Hey, where'd Peppy go?" Fox looked over at Falco, still stoned off his ass. Falco took a look around, and glanced back at his captain.  
"I don't know, maybe he went ahead to get the pies." They peered over the snow bank and saw Peppy being led away in cuffs, limping, and then sunk back out of sight. Leigh Henna walked up behind them, unnoticed, and said," Shouldn't ya'll go and save him?" "Aaauuugggghhh!!" Falco yelped like a little girl, and Fox turned to see the author standing in the snow, wearing a bikini.  
"What the hell? It's got to be 40 degrees out here, and you're in a swim suit?" The lovely author looked at him coldly.  
"I lost a bet to Coalar, jackass. Now then, to save some time, I'm going to write ya'll into the base. Brace yourselves." The outside scenery changed, and the pair found themselves inside the secret V.H.D. base of operations. "I hate it when she does that," Falco leaned over and whispered into Fox's perked ear. Screams of pain could be heard down the hall, and the two stoned blathering idiots slowly made their way to its source.

* * *

"Next, we will show you the new Bay Watch, since you refuse to talk after Bambie and Gigli." Peppy, even after all the horrible, traumatizing, torture still refused to tell them anything that they wanted to know.  
"Hey, I like Pamela Anderson."  
"Yes, we all do. Especially when she runs down the beach in slow-mo," the hardened torturer, as well as everyone else in the room, looked off into space dreamily for a few moments," but this is the NEW Bay Watch, and all it has is David Hasslehof in a thong, bending over."  
"NNNNOOOOOOO!!! It's too much! I'll tell you anything, just don't show me Hasslehof ass!"

* * *

In a jail cell, not far from the hemp store built into the base, Coalar, Leigh Henna, and Jan were just chatting away, as if they didn't care that they were in a cell.  
"So, Leigh Henna, why don't you just write us out of this prison, or at least get us some food?" Coalar eyed the author. "Because, you know, I could just leave."  
"No, you're the only celebrity in my story, and...."  
"Hey, what about me? I'm a celebrity, a special celebrity." Jan said, holding her head up high, and flung her hair in a superior manor.  
Leigh Henna leaned in close to Coalar," Yeah, special being the key word here."  
"I heard that! Go to the place that no one likes that rhymes with neck!" Jan yelled defiantly, staring very meanly towards the author.  
Leigh Henna looked over at Jan with a ' what-the-hell?' look, and decided it was time to change the subject.  
"So, Coalar, how bad did you kick Falco's ass with the plunger when you knew he was looking at your ass?" (Read the reviews for reference). "I kicked it up and down the street. Then Zidane showed up and helped me out a little bit." The author of the story, the lovely and precocious Leigh Henna, wrote in some nachos, pizza, and to satisfy Jan, some burritos.

* * *

Fox and Falco were outside the door that led into the room where Peppy was being questioned, listening very quietly. "Do you think he's getting our pies?" Falco asked, trying to peer in the room through a small smoky window at the top of the door. Fox, being so short, was jumping up and down, trying to get high enough to look in as well.  
"Damn my short stature!"  
Falco picked him up underneath his arms and lifted him up to the window, while Fox had the most hateful look on his face." Jerk off, I could have eventually gotten high enough to see," he mumbled under his breath as he peered into the room. He couldn't see much, though, but he did see enough to know Peppy was in there and being interrogated. Peppy sat in a corner, with a lamp swinging over his head, his hands behind his back, and was telling someone Fox couldn't make out something. The old rabbit looked like he'd been to hell and back. It was about now that the high was wearing off for Fox, and I can't say the same for his companion. Falco was humming 'Yeah Buddy' by Brak, and it was getting on Fox's last nerve.  
"Quiet!" He whispered harshly. But their presence was already known. In a dark room, with monitors everywhere, their every move was being watched. "How long until we send security?" One voice said.  
"I've already taken the liberty in informing the guards. As you can see on monitor 12, they are on their way."  
  
Fox and Falco were about to bust into the room, guns blaring, when the guards rounded the corner. "There they are!" Shouted one of them, and the herd of hippie freaks started for the pair of unlucky heroes. Falco, still being stoned, had his depth perception all fed up, so Fox jumped ahead to meet the 10 or so security details. He karate chopped one in the neck, who instantly fell unconscious, then spinning kicked another right across his hippie freak face. He narrowly dodged a flower thrown at him by one incredibly stupid guard, who then received a fist in his pie hole, knocking out all of his front teeth.  
While this one-sided fight went on, Falco calmly opened the door to the room he and Fox had been looking in, and walked non-chalantly towards his comrade. "Ah, this must be the infamous Falco, of the Starfox team. Peppy told us all about you." The blue avian looked over to Peppy, and the rabbit lowered his head and said, "I'm sorry, they have effective methods for making people talk."  
"What else did you tell them?" Falco sobered up at the last line that the rabbit said, and now was eyeing his teammate with a horrible, ominous look. Peppy picked his head up, and began to say something, when the man interrogating him broke in. He picked up a walkie-talkie and said," Go to the coordinates 7L, 90U, and pick up our new space ship that has all those nice weapons the rabbit told me about." 


	5. Dude!

Chapter 4: Dude!

* * *

"Dude!! You told him where the Great Fox is?........what were we talking about?"  
Fox looked over to Falco, and he shook his head slowly. 'And to think, Peppy could have been our captain, but noooo.' He thought to himself, then turned to the man who had interrogated the old hare.  
" Why is this so important to you? You have to torture a poor old..." " Ahem, you talk like I'm an ancient entity."  
" Sorry, but why all this? Why kidnap the meat fairy Jan..."  
" Hello,"  
The man turned to Jan," For the last time, the author did not call for you to be free yet. God damn it, how many times must I tell you?"  
Leigh Henna pokes her head in, sees Jan," There you are, we're one shy for the circle of stoners. Now get your magical ass in there, before I beat it!!" Leigh Henna walks off, grumbling to herself, and Jan looks after her very sadly, then jumps to grab a guards burrito and runs while laughing retardedly.  
The cast of this production watch the guard give chase to Jan, and can hear Hyde shouting about the man in the meat fairy's cell, then they simultaneously turn back to the shadowed figure. Fox peers around, obviously confused, and shouts, "Line!". Everyone groans as someone off the set whispers loudly, " Dude, you fuckin' suck monkey balls."  
"..........." Fox passes out before the line can be said, and all the others go on break. Falco starts kicking the unconcious form of Fox on the floor, and a stagehand comes up and takes his watch when no one is looking.

* * *

Meanwhile....... " Dude, the man will try to tell you that....uh.....he's the man, man, but you gotta say, nah, man, you ain't the man. If I were the man, I'd be all like,' sure, take the day off, man, cause I don't work for the man." Hyde said, after a few hits off a j. Leigh Henna and Coalar exchange glances, then Coalar says, " If you are the man, doesn't that mean you ....uh...work for the man, or some shit like that?"  
" Man, you're right, man. Hey, Leigh H., where is this story goin' anyway?"  
" Ummmm.....I forget." Leigh Henna just starts laughing her ass off. The others look at her, and skooch away a few more inches. The camera turns to Jan, who's eating a burrito, " Hyde has a point. This story has to go somewhere. Right now, it's just running on a funny thing that another show does."  
Camera goes back to Coalar, who looks interested in her pinky, and has dubbed it Mr. Binkles," What's that, Mr.Binkles.......oh, he says to get to the point and quick."  
Leigh Henna wrote in a egg sandwhich, that she's now eating sloppily," Yeah, but it's been so long since I wrote anything, I forgot what the story was about."

* * *

Fox is still unconcious.

* * *

" What was that about?"  
" D'oh!! I'm sorry, Hyde, I was trying to get the attention off me." The author looks down in shame, and then ritualistically kills herself with a japanese style knife.  
" Huh huh, cool," Coalar sounds suspiciously like Butthead.  
"Dude, I get her stash." Hyde reaches over, and grabs all her pot and Oreos. Well,I " Well, I guess we'll have to leave the chapter off like this, until that damn author remembers what the hell the story was abou......hey, is that a taco?" Coalar looks hungrily at the beef taco Jan has been eating for the past few minutes.  
".......No..."  
" Yes it is, gimme some!!"  
The two fight over the taco like sumo wrestlers, and Hyde steals it out from under their noses. Fez pops up out of nowhere and eats candy in the corner.  
" Candy for Fez."

* * *

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzz" 


	6. We Have Donuts

_Dedicated to Jan L. and Kel L._

* * *

"Oooh, who are they?"

"What?! Jan, go do something, before I smack you with a stick again."

"Fine, I shall go and make pretty elves dance for my delightment. Away!!" Jan flies off on a giant balloon shaped like a poodle, towards a rainbow, and the author stares for the longest time with a shit eating look on her face.

"Five, four, three, two, one."

**BOOM!!** The balloon pops, and Jan falls three hundred feet to the ground.

"Well, I hope you all enjoy this chapter. The innuendos come into play, and even though I still don't remember the point of the story due to a long hiatus, madness will assuredly ensue, and this chapter is the introduction of our own studio audience, so..."

"I'm ok!!"

* * *

Chapter 6: We Have Donuts

Leigh Henna steps out from one of the doorways leading off stage, and walks forward a little bit, steps over Fox, who is just now waking up, and addresses the audience.

"Hey, y'all, welcome back for the sixth installment of ' The Comedy of Madness'. Unfortunately, Hyde won't be in this episode."

"Awwww," the audience whines in unison. Some get up and leave.

"...But we do have other things in store for you. So stick around, it's going to be great!"

Fox, ears perked, and an evil look on his face, stands up, and while air humping nothing, shouts provocatively, "It's going to be great!" Leigh Henna rubs her temples while thinking ' _why me'_.

The interrogator walked slowly over to Fox, and spoke with his Australian accent," Fox, you are so strong, fast, and smart. You shouldn't be working with these idiots, they just slow you down. Join us, and you'll have a high ranking seat of power for when we take over this world and make them beg like the animals they are."

"No. You're the fool, I'd never turn my back on my friends."

"Come to the dark side."

"No."

"We have donuts." The Australian said enticingly.

"What kind."

"Powdered."

"I'm there."

The whole audience boos and hisses at the bad guy, who suddenly grew an evil long mustache, and was twirling it while hissing back at them.

Peppy, who had been nodding approvingly every time Fox had turned down the offer, now stared in shock at his captain. Did he hear correctly?

"What!?"

Leigh Henna paced around the cell, and Coalar was checking her gun for efficient ammo. Jan was still nursing her wounds from her fall.

"Damn it, Leigh Henna, why'd you make me fall so far?"

"Because it tickled me."

"Well, it didn't tickle me."

"Shut up, do you always have to whine?"

"Hey, I don't always whine, ok. But I did fall three hundred feet, so I think I've earned the right to do some whining, so back off."

Coalar points her gun at the two arguers, and tells them both to be quite or else. They both shut up and sit down, and Coalar twirls her gun and puts it in her holster.

Now, the Australian turned his attention to Falco, eyes intently burning into the avian's.

"How about you?"

"Sure, I never did like the hero's sidekick bit anyway. What's it pay?"

"Plenty, and you get great benefits. Oh, and you get a huge cock...."

Fox looks up, and smiles as he shouts the innuendo, "A huge cock!!"

The audience laughs hysterically at this.

"Not that kind of cock!! Cock as in the rooster, idiot!!"

"Oh, well, um, this is embarrassing."

The man turned his head back to Falco, and continued, "And a muff."

"A muff!!"

The man smacks Fox upside his furry head and tells him to shut up, or he'll muff him up his ass. The audience laughs again, more hysterically than the first time. Leigh Henna walks in, and is followed by two policemen.

"John. These men are here to see you."

The Australian sees them, and takes off running. The two officers give chase, while a cameraman follows. They run down a winding hallway, and into the parking lot.

"All units, requesting back up. We have a white male, 6 foot, running on foot in Studio 6's parking lot. He is wanted for impersonating an elf, impersonating Cher, and theft of bubble gum from under the bleachers at the stadium." The officers shout into their walkie-talkies while chasing him down. John attempts to climb a fence, but a police dog runs up and intercepts his nuts mid-air.

The policemen cuff him, and put him into the back of their car. Then comment to the camera, "You know, it's really hard to catch some of these guys, but once you do, you feel better knowing you got one more criminal off the streets. He's probably going to serve five to ten for his crimes, so I'll sleep better knowing we're one more bad guy closer to a crime free city."

Back at the studio, the cast and crew had been watching the events unfold on TV, and were all shifting uneasily. Leigh Henna steps out to the audience, " Well, I guess this is where this episode ends. We have to hire a new bad dude. Plus, I'm out of weed. Bye, y'all."

* * *

R&R please


	7. The Lamenting of the Fox

"Hey, everybody! I finally remembered the plot! And, I got rid of the studio audience because I couldn't pay them anymore. So, on to the seventh installment of my sto…"

Jan pops out of nowhere while Leigh Henna is in mid sentence, dressed like the Easter bunny. " Hey, look what I just got! It only cost me a Rolex!" The costume was falling apart at the seams, and it had questionable stains on it. Leigh Henna started cursing under her breath, regretting ever hiring such a deranged person.

" Ok, anyway, I hope y'all enjoy this. I also want to apologize for Jan, who was killed in a freak manicure accident yesterday."

" What? I'm right here."

" No, you're not, you were stone dead yesterday."

" I never had a manicure."

" Yes you did, horrible accident, lovely funeral, though."

" No, wait, I'm dead?" Jan runs away, bawling her eyes out about her death, " Could've at least invited me to my own funeral!"

* * *

Chapter 7: The Lamenting of the Fox

* * *

Fox eyed the donuts on the table. '_These don't look like powdered donuts. These are………cinnamon!! Nnnnooooooooooooooooooooooooo!'_ He turned to the new bad dude, who was a girl with short black hair named Rose.

" You….well, your predecessor lied! These are cinnamon donuts. You evil bitch!"

Rose took a step back, and looked upset.

" Hey, you know, that hurts my feelings. I try to be nice, I really do. It's not my fault."

Falco looks at Fox, then at Rose.

" You know, it doesn't matter. The donuts on both sides are stale. We just have to figure out which of the two is the greater…er…lesser evil. So you know what, I call a beer guzzling, joint smoking contest. The one who drinks the most beer, and smokes the most joints, wins my allegiance."

Fox looked at Rose, " Take him."

Peppy interjected, and told Fox to win his friend's allegiance. He moaned, and started rolling joints. Rose peeked over his shoulder.

" You have to do it tighter."

" I know what I'm doing."

" You have to put more in it."

" Shut up and let me work."

" You have to make it tighter, idiot."

" Damn it, no backseat rolling, or I'll turn this car around!"

Rose stood back, and let Fox continue.

* * *

Leigh Henna and Coalar were hanging out in the cell, which had gotten a little smoky since we left them. Coalar had rediscovered Mr. Binkles, and had made him a coat out of tortillas and nacho cheese. Jan was on the phone, calling up someone named Dookay. She was quite until, " Whazzzzzuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!!!!!"

Then she turned to Coalar, and told her to pick up the phone. Coalar picked it up, " Hello?"

" Whazzzzzzuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!!!!!!"

" Whazzzzzzzzuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!!!!!! Leigh, pick up the phone!!"

" Hello?"

" Whazzzzzzzuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!!!"

" Whazzzzzzzzuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuupp!!"

This continued unceremoniously for a few more seconds, until they all shouted in unison. Then Coalar, Leigh Henna and Jan hung up the phones. Coalar turned her head over her shoulder to see Jan, and yelled, " Hey, call Edward Elric," then to Leigh quietly, " That mother fucker's arm freaks me out when I'm high. Hee haa hee haa."

* * *

Fox and Rose were insanely chugging beers, while everyone around them started shouting, " Chug, chug, chug, chug!!" Rose downed one beer after another, with Fox tailing by three. Finally, she dropped her last one, and threw her arms in the air proudly. Then put one around Falco, and started flirting unmercifully with him.

" Come heeeeeeere ofthick en?"

Fox, defeated, tried to look sad, but was just realizing that the wall was calling him a bitch. He stood up, unsteadily, and walked over to the wall and started drunkenly yelling at it. After a few moments, he seemed to be losing the argument, and decided head butting it would shut it up. After a couple of hits, he hit the ground, got up, and said, " Yeah, burp, who's the man nowhick?"

The wall, I guess, had said something smart while he was walking off, because he stopped halfway across the room, and ran head first into the wall. After he landed, he managed to utter, " You da man." Just as he passed out.

* * *

Ed sat in the middle of the room, his eyes looking in two different directions. Leigh Henna was laughing at his arm, and Coalar was poking it with a 6-foot stick from across the room. Jan was kissing the nacho cheese bowl tenderly, and some guy was sleeping under a newspaper in the corner of the room.

" How'd he get here?" Jan asked, pointing to the hobo.

" Oh, dude, I wrote him here. I can do that, 'cause I'm the author of this God-forsaken story."

" Well, since you can write things in, can you get me some Frito's? I've got the munchies."

Leigh was already chewing on some Fritos, Cheetos, Doritos, and a Twinkie. " Get your own, damn it. When you make a story of your own, then you can have all the munchies you want."

" Jerk."

" What?"

" Nothing."

Ed was just now realizing how cool his arm was. " Hey, look at this," he started opening and closing his fist, and doing the most mundane of movements. Leigh and Coalar were staring in amazement at it, when it fell from its socket suddenly. Ed looked around, eyes darting from left to right.

" Uh-oh."

* * *

Fox is still out cold, and Falco walks up, makes sure no one's looking, then takes Fox's wallet.

* * *

Hey, hope y'all liked the 7th installment of this not-so-epic tale of idiocy. Read and review, or I'll make Jan pay for it. HAHAHAHAHA.


	8. Hangovers and Small Fries

AN: Hey, y'all, sorry it took so long to do this. I've been busy with school and what not.

Jan: So, what are we doing this time?

Leigh Henna: The usual crazy stuff...hey, wait, how'd you get out of your cage?

Jan: I chewed through the bars.

Leigh Henna: D'oh!

Chapter 8: Hangovers and Small Fries

* * *

Fox slowly woke up, staring at the ceiling. Man, he had a bad hangover. He rolled over in time to vomit, and saw Rose tying up his crew with licorice. Not the good kind, it was the black ones.

" What was I doing?"

Rose stared blankly at him, then replied, " You were about to go to a cell, and surrender your credit cards to me."

" Really? Which way to the cells?" He mumbled as he went to pull out his wallet, only to find it was gone. He looked around him, then muttered, " Damn underwear gnomes, I'll catch you one day."

" Down the hall and to the left, you can't miss it. Hey, if you see Leigh Henna down there, tell her to write out that hobo, he's stinking up the place."

He started towards the door, then had an epiphany. He suddenly understood it, he didn't know why he hadn't seen it before. He turned to Rose, and said, " Ha! You thought you were so slick, huh?"

Her eyes darted left to right, " How'd you figure it out?"

" Anyone could see the truth………that's not your real hair color!"

She looked around, then turned to him, " Are… are you serious? You didn't realize my twisted and evil plot which I will explain in detail to you later while leaving you to die in an easily escapable trap on a table with a slow moving lazer?"

" It was originally blond!"

Rose gasped, " Gasp! How'd you know!"

" It's elementary. You have way too much fun to be a brunette."

Rose ran her fingers through her black hair. " Well, now that you know the truth, I'm afraid you must die!"

She flung a paper ninja star at him, which bounced of his head harmlessly. " D'oh! That usually works."

" You threw it all wrong. It's in the wrist."

" Like…this?" She threw a shoe at him now.

" Owchies! Who throws a shoe! Damn it, that really hurts, you know!" He yelled, clutching his head.

" I'm sorry!"

* * *

Leigh Henna sat in the cell, bored out of her mind. All the weed was gone, Ed was in the corner fighting the hobo for the comics, and Jan had cheese smeared on her face. Coalar was in the other corner, trying to make a bomb from a toad, a pencil, and a hair clip.

" Damn it, it works for McGuiver!"

Jan licked her fingers clean of the nacho cheese, then walked over to Leigh Henna. " Hey, I got a great idea! Let's play Yu-Gi-OH!"

" I don't like that game."

" Blasphemy!"

Jan sat down and pulled out her deck, and her back up deck for suck occasions. She and the author commenced playing.

" Ha! Now your Hazel Eyes Red Penguin has to go to the graveyard! I win!"

" No fair! You cheated." Just as Leigh Henna yelled this, a toad flew across the room and hit her on the side of the head.

" No, that's not it either." Coalar said, still trying to figure out the whole bomb thing. Leigh Henna got up, smoke coming from her ears, and dealt Coalar a hard punch on top of her head.

" Quite copying that show. Do you just want us to get sued over copy-right infringement?"

Jan took a sip of a Coca Cota, Ed had transmuted a mini Godzilla, and Leigh Henna ate a slice of Pizza Mut pizza. " Mmm, all the goodness of pizza, for a fraction of the price!"

Rose popped her head in the door just then, " Hey, get rid of the hobo. What does this look like, Wal-Mart?"

Ed had a flash of brilliance. He affixed the hobo's sole to a gym sock, which he wore on his hand and called Mr. Scruffles. Leigh Henna eyed him.

" You know, he still stinks."

" Don't talk about Mr. Scruffles like that, he can hear you. And it was possible with alchemy, couldn't have been done without alchemy, alchemy is cool and refreshing, alchemy tastes like cherries, and alchemy sounds cool. Alchemy, alchemy, alchemy, alchemy, alchemy, alchemy, alchemy, alchemy, alchemy, alchemy, alchemy, alchemy, alchemy, alchemy, alchemy."

He was still going on about alchemy when Leigh Henna leaned over towards Coalar and whispered, " He never shuts up about the alchemy thing, does he?"

She replied, " Yeah, he'll do that for another 20 minutes. Such noise from such a tiny person, I'll nev……"

Ed turned around, his whole face red and his eyes black, " Who you calling so damn small that he could head butt your knees! Why you little!"

Ed started strangling Coalar while she gagged and her tongues stuck out of her head. Hyde came back from his show to watch the scene. He sat down next to Leigh Henna, who was massaging her temples.

" You know, you just can't resist taking funny things from other shows and putting them in here, can you?"

The camera swung around to the author, who was looking around like she'd done something and was checking for witnesses. " I don't know what you mean."

The camera swung over to Jan, " Yeah, man, he's right, you need to come up with your own funny ha ha stuff on your own to properly express your creativity." Back to Leigh Henna.

" Yeah, maybe you're…" Jan interjected.

" Oh, look at this!" She held up Mr.Scruffles. " Isn't he adorable? Augh, stinky too. Let's go put you in the washer."

Mr. Scruffles' eyes grew to twice their size, " What! Nooo! You can't wash me in cold water, what's wrong with you? Read the label!"

* * *

Fox stood there as Rose kissed his boo-boo, and realized he still had a joint in his pocket. He pulled it out. It was 5 inches in diameter, and he held it up, " Hey, bet you we can get a good price on the street with this."

15 minutes later they were in a criminal court. " Two months probation for trying to sell marijuana laced with oregano to under aged crack whores, and for pimping!"

" Damn anti-pimping laws!"

Fox, dressed up in a fur coat with a gold tooth, a big ring, hat, and giant sparkly sunglasses, gangster walked out of there with Rose and two whores in tow.

They both shouted, " Oh, Fox, we love you!"

" Shut up, bitches, Fox knows."

* * *

Well, what do y'all think of those apples? 


End file.
